Tuesday, 30th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Photograph: Tyson Shine

Tiger Airlines have announced that they will be selling 60 percent of their Australian oeprations to Virgin Australia, while Virgin Australia have announced that they will be selling 10 percent of their Australian operatons to Singapore Airlines.

QANTAS wanted to join in on the crazy trading, but the other three parties simply laughed when they heard QANTAS say they had 'Australian assets'.

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Source: ninemsn.com.au

Christopher Pescott, a 23-year-old Victorian postman has been fined $400 and had his licence stripped for a month, after a video of him jumping a stunt ramp while on his morning run had gone viral.

 

In his defence, Mr Psecott was delivering the state's air mail

 

 

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Source: abc.net.au

Australia Post today announced that they plan on revolutionising the mailing industry with their digital mailboxes, which will allow their customers to connect with banks, power and water companies, and government enterprises. On top of this, Australia Post customers can expect to send each other digital mails and store them in an online vault.

 

Yeah, dude, it's called the internet and email. We have that already...

 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!



Wednesday, 24th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Source: iabaustralia.com.au

The head of Fairfax Media has told the its shareholders today that the company's revenue continues to shrink, and that future is impossible to predict.

Yeah, my grandpa said the same thing about his hairline. We all know how happened to it in the end.

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Source: abc.net.au

Associate Professor Walker of the University of Sydney, and Professor Horsley from Central Queensland University have published a book that says giving homework to primary school students is of little value, and that they are often given too much.

 

When a Chinese boy told this to his father, his father said, "Oh, you are given too much homework? Perhaps I've been giving you too much food as well?"

 

 

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Photograph: Giulio Saggin

 



A study conducted by The National Centre for Social and Economic Modelling has found that a person with a university degree is more likely to earn in excess of one million dollars more in their lifetime, than someone who did not finish year 12.

 

Which means if you've ever wondered why you haven't won the lottery yet, it's probably time to go back to school

 

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Source: abc.net.au

Scientists from the Westmead Cancer Institute in Australia today have announced that they believe that for women, there is a link between a lack of exposure to the sun, and the likelihood of developing breast cancer.

 

Go in the sun, you run the risk of getting cancer. Stay out of the sun, you run the risk of cancer. The solution? Keep running between the two alternatives!

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!

 

 

Monday, 22nd October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Source: abc.net.au

This morning, at Melbourne Airport, a kangaroo was found hoping around on the fifth floor of the airport's carpark.

You know your airline has problems when your mascot refuses to fly on your service and instead, would prefer to drive to its destination instead.

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Source: www.shanghaibuildingmaterial.com/

Hadyn Pierce, a Tasmanian developer, is planning to turn a morgue he owns into a motel.

 

This is his attempt to make the movie 'Hostel', a reality.

 

 

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Source: news.com.au

 

International singing sensation, Psy, walked out of an interview last week that he had with Melbourne's Fox FM radio station after, he was asked about his arrest in 2001 for possessing marijuana.

 

Psy quickly jumped on his horse and exited the interview, singing, "Gangnam style" 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!

Thursday, 18th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Source: ninemsn.com.au

The media regulator has order 2GB's contraversial radio host, Alan Jones, to undergo 'factual accuracy' training, over false claims he made about climate change.

Alan Jones needs to fact check? Do you mean he was wrong when he said the Prime Minister's father died of shame? I always thought that was possible! Seriously guys, out of all the nonsensical things he says, you choose to step in now?

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Source: news.com.au

In the second Presidential Debate, Senator Mitt Romney stated that he had plenty of women working for him, that he in fact had 'binders full of women'.

 

Strange move, Senator. I try to hide that fact because usually when I say it, people ask me "Can I look? Are they hot? How much for an hour?"

 

 

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Source: abc.net.au

 

 

An Australian Productivity Commission plan revealed today by Commissioner Philip Weickhardt, will attempt to overhaul how the electricity system works and could see power bills slashed by up to $250 a year.

 

That's great news. That should totally off-set the bajillion dollar increase that's been happening.

 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time! 

Wednesday, 17th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Source: abc.net.au

The recent speech given by Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard in regards to misogyny has caused the Macquarie Dictionary to rethink its definition of the word, who are considering broadening the meaning to include "entrenched prejudice against women".

The Macquarie Dictionairy are also considering adding to the definition: Proper Noun. Another name for Tony Abbottt, see also: Lion, mouse, budgie-smuggler.

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Source: ninemsn.com.au

During her visit to India, Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard fell face first into the ground, after having her heel snagged in a patch of wet grass.

 

So be prepared for a week long argument in Parliament about the misogynstic patch of grass.

 

 

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Photograph: Dean Lewins

 

 



During a Senate hearing today about the incident at Lucas Heights Nuclear Facility, Mr Reid interrupted the proceedings, claiming that the chief executive of the Australian Nuclear Science and Technology Organisation, Adrian Paterson, was covering up the fact three men had been contaminated in the incident.

 

Mr Reid was first suspicious when the three men in question began glowing in the dark.

 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!



Tuesday, 16th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Photograph: Supplied by WA Police

Police in Western Australia today have arrested a man who was allegedly caught armed with a sword fashioned out of a swordfish's snout and had used it to threaten his neighbours.

After a long struggle and eventually getting it under their control, the police then argued who would get to mount in on their wall.

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Photograph: Joe Castro

Peter Dupas, a convicted serial killer who is currently serving three life sentences for murde rhas taken court action in a bid to stop the broadcast of a television series featuring a character based on him.

 

For those of you interested in the series: Spoiler alert! He gets caught.

 

 

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Source: zacksplanes.wordpress.com

 

The University of Melbourne's Carolina Tallon  have announced in a paper for Fresh Science that hypersonic commercial flight could possibly be achieved if the planes were made from ceramics.

 

Because when I think of flying in a plane that is made from the same material as the flower pot that cracked when I dropped it a short distance on to the ground this morning, I definitely think of the word 'safe'.

 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time! 



Monday, 15th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Source: 9ori.com

The Ombudsman has found a NSW teacher was allowed by the NSW education department to keep on teaching, despite the fact the teacher had subscribed to a child pornography website.

A hint NSW education department - this is not a time to give someone a fair go.

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Source: englishonline.org.cn

The NSW Education Minister Minister Adrian Piccoli has warned students sitting the state's Higher School Certificate this year against cheating, saying they will be caught out by the system if they do.

 

Because we all know how vigilant those old male and female examiners are.

 

 

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Source: theaustralian.com.au

43-year-old Felix Baumgartner today has complete his free-fall from the edge of space, becoming the first man to have broken the sound barrier without the use of a craft to propel him up to the speed required to do so.

 

Which means he's the only person who can insult Usain Bolt and get away from him before Usain even had a chance to hear it and begin thinking about giving chase.

 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!

 



Friday, 12th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Photograph: Jonothan Ross

Scientists in the UK tested 74 different sounds and found that he harshest sound to humans was the screech of a kinfe being scraped against a glass bottle.

Clearly, the sound of me singing wasn't used in that experiment.

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Source: NASA

Scientists today have annoucned the discovery of a planet orbiting a star in the constellation of Cancer that is twice the size of Earth and is largely made out of diamonds.

 

You just know that all the other stars in the constellation are jealous of the star's wedding ring.

 

 

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Photograph: Lukas Coch

 

The new Parliamentary Speaker of the House Anna Burke, has urged federal MPs today to move on from the highly charged week in politics, and "to get on with what the Parliament does".

 

In other words, federal MPs will still be randomly shouting at each other and calling one another names.

 

 

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Source: slate.com

An article published in the New England Journal of Medicine has found that there is a strong, positive correlation between the amount of chocolate a country consumes per capita and the amount of Nobel Prize winners that they have.

 

So if you hear someone from your country won a Nobel Prize, it's probably time to have that dentist appointment that you keep postponing.

 

 

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Photograph: Greg Higgs

South Australian MP Tammy Franks has apologised, after being found guilty of not paying her taxes between the years 2001 and 2010, claiming that she was simply disorganised and not being dishonest.

 

So understand if she ever breaks an election promise, it's because she's disorganised, and not because she was being dishonest.

 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!



Thursday, 11th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Source: dicksmith.com.au

French woman Solenne San Jose was issued a quadrillion-dollar phone amouting to a grand total of 11,721,000,000,000,000 euros, which equates to roughly 6,000 times her country's national output. After a few calls, she managed to convince the phone company they had made an error and got the bill down to 117.21 euros.

After she hung up, she then began to worry about how much she was going to be charged for making the calls that rectified her bill.

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Photograph: Ray Strange

Last night at a union party attended by numerous Labor MPs, a joke was told that targeted Opposition Leader Tony Abbott and his chief of staff Peta Credlin. Today, said joke attracted outrage from the Coalition and many Australians, who have expressed their outrage over the crude remarks. Surprisingly though, the joke that was told has not been made known to the public.

 

Which brings me to my question: What is the public outraged about? I mean, you don't even know what it is and you're posting it all over the net that you're disgusted. Seriously, the contents of the joke is being kept tighter than Peta Credlin's...uh oh...

 

 

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Photograph: Cameron Richardson

Today, the Australina Bureau of Statistics today released figures which show that the unemployment rate has increased from 5.1 to 5.4 percent, while at the same time the Bureau has announced that 32,000 full-time jobs have been created.

 

Only in Australia can we hire more people and fire more at the same time.

 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!

Wednesday, 10th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Source: cyriljackson.wa.edu.au

Yesterday in Parliament, Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard gave a fiery speech in regards to Opposition Leader Tony Abbott, calling him a misogynist. The speech has since then received much praise from around the world.

Which leaves Tony Abbott in a sticky situation. Should he say something now in rebuttal to the Prime Minister's speech, it'll make him look like he really is a misogynist. Should he choose to remain silent instead, critics from around the world will say it is a sign of admittance on his part. And last, if someone should come to his defence, then they too run the risk of being branded the same as Tony Abbott. It's such a horrific situation and yet, I just can't seem to stop myself from looking at it!

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Photograph: Gregory Smith

Earlier this week, American Republican Paul Roun stated that scientific understandings such as the Big Bang theory, evolution and embryology, are all "lies straight from the pit of hell". What is interesting to note is that the American Senator also serves on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology.

This brings us to a special segment I like to call, "A Day in Ron Paul's Clasroom".

Give yourself a point for each question that you scored correctly.

What is at the centre of our solar system? If you said, the sun, you would be incorrect. Everybody knows it has to be the Earth! After all, the sun moves in the sky!

Who discovered penicillin? If you answered, Alexander Flemming, you are wrong. It obviously was God, who simply put the idea into Alexander Flemming's head!

Last, who came up with the idea of evolution? If you said, Charles Darwin, you are wrong. Clearly you were not smart enough to figure out it was a trick question - there is no such thing as evolution!

Now add up your scores and see what they mean.

If you scored 0, then you are the spawn of the Devil and are just as bad as Galileo for stating what is clearly untrue. If you scored 1-2, then you are a child who's well on their way to being enlightened. If you scored three, give yourself a pat on the back, for you are Paul Roun's golden child!

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Source: Red Bull

An Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner, had hoped to break records by being the first man to break the sound barrier without the aid of a vehicle by freefalling from the edge of space, 32km above the Earth, but had to cancel his last planned attempt due to the conditions being too windy.

Yeah, because if I'm told I'll be free-falling from a point that's 32km above the Earth with no protection besides the suit I'm wearing, the one that's going to shout out danger to me is a little wind.

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!

Monday, 8th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Photograph: Norm Oorloff

Tony Abbott this morning has pledged that the Coalition government will spend $50 million dollars installing CCTV cameras around Australia in areas of high crime rates.

 

This piece of news caught the attention of many criminals, who then simply shrugged and decided they would do their business in areas where CCTVs were not around, laughing, "You can't put them everywhere!"

 

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Photograph: Matt Dunham



Julian Assange today has announced plans to sue Prime Minister Julia Gillard for defemation in regards to the comments she had made in 2010 about the actions of WikiLeaks publishing classified documents.

 

I bet Julia Gillard is kicking herself now for not having helped Julian Assange out in his little predicament with the Swedish Government.

 

Also, with suing members of the Labor party being so trendy now, I'm surprised it doesn't have its own hash-tag on Twitter.

 

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Source: foreignminister.gov.au

Foreign Minister Bob Carr stated today that a major military defection and an assassination could be what is needed to topple Syrian President Bashar al-Assad's regime.

 

Hmm...A defection and an assassination to overthrow a political leader...I wonder why this sounds so familiar...Oh, right. 







Source: theaustralian.com.au

 

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Source: en.wikipedia.org

 

NSW Health Minister Jillian Skinner and Labor MP Luke Foley today were found arguing over the question, whether or not a chair was a bed.

 

I would tell them to go home and sleep on the question, but I'm afraid that they might not know how to do that.

 

 

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Source: heraldsun.com.au

 

This morning 'shock-jock' Alan Jones went on the air and criticised the actions of the public, pressuring his sponsers to stop supporting his show. This brings me to a section I like to call, "What the hell were you thinking?"

 

What the hell are you thinking, Alan Jones? You made an offensive comment against the Prime Minister of Australia, and you expect Australians, that's right, Aussies to let the comment slide? The last time I checked, standing by your country's leader and attempting to punish those who would make such horrific slanders, is the right thing to do. 

 

And Mr Jones, what the hell were you thinking when you said, "They do not have the right to interfere with that freedom or choice." in relations to who your advertisers choose to sponser? You do realise that effectively means you think people are not allowed to tell the businesses they shop from, who they would like to see supported, right? Which in a sense means you are interfering with the freedom and choice that people are allowed to voice their opinions. Is that what you think Australian's are? A blob that simply has to conform to your beliefs? Is that what you think of your viewrs? Because that is definitely a great way to retaing them. I mean, what the hell are you thinking? 

 

By the way, Mr Jones, What the hell were you thinking when you said, "If this is the new Australia, then we are all at risk," in regards to the method people were using in attempts to get your show off the air? Do you really think it is wrong for people to use petitions and phone calls to demand for something? That it really is a bad thing if people use appropriate methods to get something done? Last time I checked, Mr Jones, we live in a democracy where these things can happen. I don't know about you, but I prefer to live in an Australia where my opinion is heard. 

 

I would like to finish of with this, Mr Jones. I like how you called Mercedes-Benz executive David McCarthy, a "gutless wonder" when he demanded you hand back the Mercedes-Benz to the car company. You had the 'gutless-ness' to make such a slanderous comment against the Prime Minister, without having the guts to say it to her face. Honestly, what the hell were you thinking when you said that?

 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!





Thursday, 4th October, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Photograph: Dean Lewins

The case between Mr Slipper and Mr Ashby has returned to Federal Court today, after the two spent nine hours in a mediation yesterday and failed to reach an agreement.

The story that has yet again made the headlines, reminded everyone of a long, lengthy legal proceeding that nobody cares about.

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Photograph: Ben Prunchie

North Queensland MP, George Christensen, has set up a petition asking the producers of cult TV show, Doctor Who, to come down to Whitsundays in Queensland and film an episode. The Federal Member for Dawson also suggested that the Time Lord could fight killer kangaroos, cyber crocodiles, or even drop bears.

 

Although I reckon they should make an episode about the Weeping Angels, with The Doctor teaming up with the ultimate person to take them on, Julie Bishop.

 

Source: valuesaustralia.com

 

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Source: ninemsn.com.au

A man in the UK has been caught on CCTV inside a clothes store, reaching into a pram and stealing an iPhone from a baby's hands before walking away.

 

Proving once and for all, it really is like taking candy from a baby.



 

 

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Source: news.com.au

A former housekeeper to Prime Minister Julia Gillard, is seeking compensation after claiming that she suffered permanent injuries from a bulging spinal disc after changing the Prime Minister's bed sheets at The Lodge in October 2010.

 

Although if she's after compensation, the housekeeper is probably better off alleging the PM sexually harassed her.

 

Allan Jones also commented on the issue, saying that the housekeeper's spinal disc probably slipped out of shame of having to change the PM's bed sheets.

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Source: simoncotter.com

A man last night had been foiled in his attempt at an armed robbery of a petrol station in Petersham, after one of the attendants pulled out a pole from behind the counter and scared the would-be robber off.

 

Ah, that fool, bringing a gun to a pole fight.

 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!