Why the world did not end: Reason Four
Reason Four: Thank The Doctor we did not eat our apples!
Okay, so truth be told, this one I've heard from someone else *coughsAlyssacoughs*. But it doesn't matter who the insignificant person was that told me this, the point is it made it on the list.
Now, for all of you who do not know the famous adage, it goes something like 'An apple a day helps keep the doctor away.' And who is the most famous doctor of all time? If you said McDreamy, you'd be wrong (although a case could be made about how his hair managed to stop the meteorite from crashing into the Earth). No, the doctor I'm referring to is BBC's The Doctor from the cult TV-Show, Doctor Who.
Ever since the reboot of the series in 2005, there has been a Christmas episode every year. Now even though the stories are different, the gist of each of the specials is that something dastardly happens on or near Christmas day, and who else should come to save the day, but The Doctor.
Clearly, there was supposed to be a giant ball of rock hurtling through space which would have collided with our planet and killed us all, or perhaps there was supposed to be some invisble flesh eating organism that would have eaten us all. Heck, as the little girl in the El Paso ad says, ¿por qué no los dos? *fanfare music*. But obviously, the real hero is The Doctor, who came in and with the help of his sonic screwdriver as well has his blue box that is bigger on the inside (once again, size does matter) and saved the day!
So what's the moral of the story? Stop eating apples because keeping The Doctor away is a bad idea. Unless your idea is to kill us all, then by all means go ahead.
Oh, and one other thing. If I die a suspicious death, then it totally was not because of the benevolent, most awesome girl called Alyssa *looks around worridly before flashing a fearful smile*
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Why the world did not end: Reason Five
In light of the fact that almost everyone made it through the 21st of December without dying, I would like to list the top five reasons why the apocalypse failed to happen, starting with number five and working my way up to numbner one.
Reason Five: Size Does Matter!
We always say how it doesn't matter if the stone is big or small. But the truth is, girls really do care about the size of it and us guys like to think that ours is the biggest.
That's probably what happened with the Mayan calendar. When the calendar maker showed his stone to a girl and asked, "Is it big?" the girl probably was being polite when she said, "That's the biggest one I've ever seen." Even though she was secretly disappointed by how small it was. Extremely pleased by what he heard, the calendar maker got busy with his stone.
When he was finished, the calendar maker was worried about how everything was, seeing as there was only so much he could do with the stone. He asked the girl, "How is it?"
Disappointed by how little he actually managed to do with the stone, the girl was still too polite to tell the calendar maker his stone was too small. Instead she said, "It's all good. That has to be the best one ever!"
Over the moon, the calendar maker decided to keep his stone the way it was, even though there was only so much going on with it.
Moral of the story? There was only so many dates that the calendar maker could fit on his piece of stone before he ran out of room. So the point is, size does matter!
And you probably have a dirty mind too...
Reason Five: Size Does Matter!
We always say how it doesn't matter if the stone is big or small. But the truth is, girls really do care about the size of it and us guys like to think that ours is the biggest.
That's probably what happened with the Mayan calendar. When the calendar maker showed his stone to a girl and asked, "Is it big?" the girl probably was being polite when she said, "That's the biggest one I've ever seen." Even though she was secretly disappointed by how small it was. Extremely pleased by what he heard, the calendar maker got busy with his stone.
When he was finished, the calendar maker was worried about how everything was, seeing as there was only so much he could do with the stone. He asked the girl, "How is it?"
Disappointed by how little he actually managed to do with the stone, the girl was still too polite to tell the calendar maker his stone was too small. Instead she said, "It's all good. That has to be the best one ever!"
Over the moon, the calendar maker decided to keep his stone the way it was, even though there was only so much going on with it.
Moral of the story? There was only so many dates that the calendar maker could fit on his piece of stone before he ran out of room. So the point is, size does matter!
And you probably have a dirty mind too...
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
Wednesday, 5th December, 2012
Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.
Today, students from Hunter Christian School at Mayfield, located in NSW's Central Coast, were forced to evacuate school grounds after a year five student brought in a World War II pineapple grenade for show and tell.
The child must have been thinking, "What can I bring in that would blow the competition away...Oh, I know!"
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| Source: en.wikipedia.org |
The child must have been thinking, "What can I bring in that would blow the competition away...Oh, I know!"
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| Spirce: en.wikipedia.org |
After a decline from around 2000 to 1200 in applicants this year, the Australian Antarctic Division has extended its hiring period for the 2013-14 season.
I guess one of the good things about global warming is that soon, the Australian Antarctic Division won't have to worry about the shortage of applicants.
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| Photograph: Robyn Beck |
Greyhound trainers in NSW are taking industrial action against TAB, over a dispute about the share of betting money that they are receiving from the betting agency.
Should the industrial action fail, well, to quote Mr Burns from the Simpsons,
*****
And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Wednesday, 28th November, 2012
Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.
Labor MP Steve Gibbons toady had to delete a post he made on Twitter, where he called Opposition Leader Tony Abbott a douchebag and Julie Bishop a narcissistic bimbo. He was then forced to apologise for the language he used to refer to Julie Bishop.
I guess that means everyone thinks Tony Abbott is a douchebag, seeing as Mr Gibbons wasn't forced to apologise for calling Mr Abbott one? Wow, Mr Abbott, you have it tough. First, a poll found that you were less popular than the carbon tax, a tax which I would like to point out that is intended to combat something you don't believe exists, and now no one, not even those from your party, is saying Mr Gibbons is wrong for calling you a douchebag. Tough break, man.
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| Source: abc.net.au/news |
I guess that means everyone thinks Tony Abbott is a douchebag, seeing as Mr Gibbons wasn't forced to apologise for calling Mr Abbott one? Wow, Mr Abbott, you have it tough. First, a poll found that you were less popular than the carbon tax, a tax which I would like to point out that is intended to combat something you don't believe exists, and now no one, not even those from your party, is saying Mr Gibbons is wrong for calling you a douchebag. Tough break, man.
*****
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| Photograph: Guilio Saggin |
Apple has today fired Mr Rich Williamson, the man responsible for Apple's failed Google Map, which is riddled with glitches.
After thirty-minutes, Mr Willamson was escorted out of the building after someone found him lost in a broom closet.
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| Photograph: Robert Galbraith |
People in the CBD of Adelaide, Australia, can be looking forward to receiving free wifi by the end of next year, as outlined in a plan that was announced today by SA Premier Jay Weatherill.
Free wifi in a CBD area. Good luck trying to use it with everyone else trying to do the same.
*****
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| Source: abc.net.au/news |
China's Communist Party newspaper made a terrible gaffe today, where it published an article by satirical US website The Onion claiming that Kim Jong-un was the sexiest man alive in their newspaper today and failed to mention that it was a satirical piece of work.
No one was more shocked to find out this piece of work was false, than the people of North Korea.
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| Source: ninemsn.com.au |
A drawing of a Wii GamePad on eBay had drawn a bid as high as AUD$87,226 before it was taken down by the online auction site, seeing as it was not a real video game.
No one was more disappointed than the man who had made the bid of AUD$87,226 knowing full well it was a drawing and still wanted to buy it.
*****
And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Tuesday, 27th November, 2012
Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.
The chief executive of Australian Agricultural Company, David Farley, has warned that Australia needs to pay closer attention to its agricultural policies and feed the region or risk an invasion driven by hunger, similar to the Huns.
We don't need to worry about that. With this many Chinese coming to Australia each year, we can always build our own Great Wall. But then again, just like all things made by Chinese, it will most likely be cheap and easily broken.
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| Source: abc.net.au/news |
We don't need to worry about that. With this many Chinese coming to Australia each year, we can always build our own Great Wall. But then again, just like all things made by Chinese, it will most likely be cheap and easily broken.
*****
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| Photograph: Toshifumi Kitamura |
A recent poll by Nippon Research Centre has found that almost 90% of respondents to their recent survey have claimed not to have bought whale meat in the past year.
I guess 90% of their respondents must be done with whatever research they were doing.
*****
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| Source: commodityonline.com |
The Eurozone leaders today have finally reached a debt deal with Greece.
Oh, do you mean they have only now activated a plan to tackle the thing that was announced about a year ago as a disaster that needed to be fixed right away? Geez, that was quick.
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| Source: ninemsn.com.au |
It has been announced today that Kim Kardashian is the celebrity that was most often entered into the Bing search engine in 2012.
Hmm...I wonder why. Could it possibly have something to do with her big, soft bags?
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| Source: fashionfile.com.au |
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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!
Friday, 23 November 2012
Friday, 23rd November, 2012
Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.
Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, today has defended claims that Mr Nick Styant-Browne made on the 7:30 Report last night, in regards to the Prime Minister lying about having not seen a Commenwealth Bank fax, which would have meant she would have had knowledge about the improper use of a slush fund to purchase a house. The Prime Minister maintains that she has no recollection of seeing the document.
The Prime Minister probably wishes that she also has no recollection of knowledge about the coup against Prime Minster Kevin Rudd, making and then breaking the 'no carbon tax' promise, or the misogynistic grass patch that caused her to trip over in New Delhi.
An elderly couple in the Zhejiang province in China, has had a motorway built around their home after refusing to move out, despite being offered compensation by the Chinese government.
Man, imagine backing out of that driveway and trying to merge with traffic every morning. What a nightmare!
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| Photograph: Rob Leeson |
The Prime Minister probably wishes that she also has no recollection of knowledge about the coup against Prime Minster Kevin Rudd, making and then breaking the 'no carbon tax' promise, or the misogynistic grass patch that caused her to trip over in New Delhi.
*****
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| Source: independentaustralia.net |
Tony Abbott today has revealed that under a Coalition Government, Australia's humanitarian refugee intake would be cut by more than 6,000 places.
"Oh my, God!" exclaimed a Nauru detainee as he heard the announcement, "Australia DOES have a humanitarian refugee intake quota!"
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| Source: whatsonningbo.com |
Man, imagine backing out of that driveway and trying to merge with traffic every morning. What a nightmare!
*****
And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Wednesday, 21st November, 2012
Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.
Kevin Clash, the puppeteer of Sesame Street's famous muppet Elmo, has resigned from the part after fresh allegations of him having had sex with an underaged boy have surfaced.
I guess this puts a whole new meaning to "Tickle-me-Elmo".
A new study by the Melbourne University has found that one in five older Australians are drinking alcohol at a hazardous level.
So be prepared for Brisbane's latest new binge drinking party, 'Wheelies'!
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| Photograph: Stan Honda |
I guess this puts a whole new meaning to "Tickle-me-Elmo".
*****
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| Source: abc.net.au/news |
Sia Ka Tian, a 70-year-old Singaporean taxi driver, has been hailed a hero after he returned a bag containing over US$900,000 in cash, that he found in the back seat of his taxi.
Upon hearing this piece of news, one man said to another, "I told you the back seat of a taxi was a bad drop-off point."
*****
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| Photograph: Dave Dyet |
A new study by the Melbourne University has found that one in five older Australians are drinking alcohol at a hazardous level.
So be prepared for Brisbane's latest new binge drinking party, 'Wheelies'!
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| Source: superstock.com |
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This next thing is not really a standard "The News As It Should Be" entry, but I thought this video was worth a mention. Enjoy!
Duumb Ways To Die: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw
*****
And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!
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