Monday, 31st December, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Source: abc.net.au/news

Many Fijians have been angered by the confiscation of the country's draft constitution by police, with some galley proofs set on fire as well.

What they did not know was that this was all part of the new National Treasure movie, which is just like all the other National Treasure movies, except this time Nicholas Cage is wearing tropical beach wear.

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Source: abc.net.au/news

It has been confirmed after two years of research, that a two-hundred year old handkerchief that was found in a dried squash, has in fact been dipped in the blood of King Louis XVI after his beheading.

 

Man the French CSI unit is slow. They should've sent it to the unit in Miami where they would've confrimed it in roughly forty-minutes to an hour.

 

 

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Source: abc.net.au/news

 

A study by the Sleep Health Foundation has found that roughly 20% of Australians suffer from fatigue and exhaustion due to a lack of sleep.

 

The other 80% sleep just fine because they don't get sex. Looks like there's finally a benifit to being single! Hi-Five partner...oh wait...

 

 

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That's the news for tonight! See you all next time!


Why the world did not end: Reason One

Why the world did not end: Reason One

Reason One: It was all a lie!

I know what you're thinking *in a silly voice* "Duh, Glenn! We all know that! We're evidently still here seeing as I'm reading this." But what if I told you it was the ingenious plans of various corporations to part you with your money? Bet you're feeling pretty silly now for mocking me, huh? No? Fine...

Anyways, with companies wanting to make more money, they have to find ways for people to spend more cash on things that they do not need. And when do they earn the most cash? Holidays, of course! Think about how much money a corporation gets on Christmas, on Valentines Day, on Easter. There's was only one thing stopping them from making even more cash. They were out of holidays. But they're smart. They know they can't just make a random happy holiday. No, they know us consumers will be too smart for that. After all, who's going to fall for ValenChrEaster Day?
So, what do they do? Hatch a dastardly scheme to trick everyone it's gonig to be the end of the world. Only catch is, they couldn't say the world was going to end the very next day or something. They needed to make it seem legit, and the only way they could have done so was to use some obscure, outdated calendar to bait their trap.

And so, they waited for the year 2012 to come. And when it did, boy did they reap their rewards. Let's take a look at the end-of-the-world safety pod industry. How often do you think they get orders to produce their products? I'm pretty sure their sales records is something like 2010: zero; 2011: zero; 2012 - a gazillion.

And what about the day after? I'm sure people decided to party hard and get drunk because they found out the world was still here. Oh, who am I kidding...We all know that us Australians would have found some other pointless excuse to party, even if the world had ended. In fact, I bet they would have gotten drunk after reasoning it was their last chance to do so.

Moral of the story? Spend money on the happy holidays we have like there's no tomorrow, lest you want the fear of there being no tomorrow. Don't have the cash? Then keep borrowing money from the bank, because it is okay to constantly live beyond your means and rack up a huge debt. And banks? Keep lending out money, even to those that you know can't pay you back. It won't jepordize your customer's future, your company, or the country. So go nuts!

And drink responsibly (Because showing these words on a screen is really going to convince you to do so). 

Why the world did not end: Reason Two

Why the world did not end: Reason Two

Reason Two: It's the holidays.

There's a lot going through our minds during this time of year. Sure, we keep in mind that it's Santa's birthday, but the thing that comes up in our minds more often than not is, "Oh God, why do we have to spend the holidays with our family?!" And wouldn't you know it, God has a lot of things on His mind as well.

The hot-line to God is usually busy all year round, but come the holiday season, it seems that more and more people try to get in touch with him for whatever reasons they may have. And I guess it's good and all, you know, trying to find some meaning in your life. But think about it this way. How do you feel when telemarketers ring your number non-stop? Spare a thought for him will you!

On top of having to put up with this, it's His son's birthday coming up. You try thinking of a present for your child who literately has everything you could want - eternal life in paradise. That's ignoring the fact you have to think of a present to get your kid for over 2000 years. Not so easy, now is it?
So I'm not surprised He dropped the ball on this one and did not follow through with the whole end-of-the-world thing. He has made mistakes in the past as well. The black plague in Europe was because He decided to take a week off. World War 1 and 2 were because He blinked for a second. Really, Him forgetting to give us the apocalypse is not the end of the world for me (pun fully intended. zing!)

But perhaps it is mainly because we killed His son. Let me ask you this: If someone killed your  child, repented and asked to live in your house for all of eternity, would you say yes? I personally wouldn't.

So what's the moral of this story? Kill anyone who claims to be a Messiah, child of God, or a prophet. It's a sure-fire way of preveting the end of the world. Also, keep praying to God about your insgnificant problems even though there are bigger issues like child slavery, famine and poverty. It'll keep Him distracted long enough to miss the date He marked on His calendar, one that is either bigger than the Mayan's, or perhaps He subscribed to the revolutionairy idea the Mayans did not which was to buy/make a new one.

Why the world did not end: Reason Three

Why the world did not end: Reason Three

Reason Three: Do you want to (differentiate 69x)?

Maths. We all hate it (except Asians, nerds, rich and successful people, people who get the title of this reason...). But remember when your teacher in primary/secondary school told you that you'll need to use maths in everyday life and you thought they were cray-cray? Well, it turns out they were right.

Now the reason why the whole Mayan doomsday thing was slated for the 21st of December was not because they were total bums and wanted to ruin Christmas for all of us (Those Scrooges! Scrooge you! Scrooge you all!), but because it so happened that the 21st of December 2012 was the date you get after converting the Mayan calendar to the Gregorian calendar (ie the 365/366 day one that most of the world uses).

If you did not know, the Mayan calendar does not use the same system as the Gregorian calendar in determining the days of a year/month. Where the Gregorian calendar uses our position relative to the sun, the Mayan calendar uses the position of the moon relative to the Earth (although what they really probably used was the phases of the moon, but that's not the point). If you are bad at maths, and also don't know that the lunar month finishes in roughly a 28 day cycle, then let me tell you that 365 and 366 is not divisible by 28.

What does that mean for all of us? This makes converting the Mayan calendar into a Gregorian one a pain because you either have to work it out by doing a day-to-day conversion, or somehow using remainders in long division (I don't know, I kind of zoned out during that lesson. Yes, I'm an Asian who zoned out during maths, sue me). Clearly, there must have been an error in the conversion, because someone forget a leap-year, or forgot to carry the one.

This leaves us two options. Either the apocalypse was supposed to have hapened before the 21st of December, which I think it is safe to say it has not (Now there's a surprise I'm sure no one would have liked!), or it is supposed to happen some time in the future.

What's the moral of the story? Maths is important, and if you are bad at it, there's still some time left for you to learn it. Not only will you then be able to predict the end of the world, or somehow use calculus and/or trigonometry in everyday life just like your maths teacher wanted you to, but you'll also get the joke imbedded in the title of this reason.

Why the world did not end: Reason Four

Why the world did not end: Reason Four

Reason Four: Thank The Doctor we did not eat our apples!

Okay, so truth be told, this one I've heard from someone else *coughsAlyssacoughs*. But it doesn't matter who the insignificant person was that told me this, the point is it made it on the list.

Now, for all of you who do not know the famous adage, it goes something like 'An apple a day helps keep the doctor away.' And who is the most famous doctor of all time? If you said McDreamy, you'd be wrong (although a case could be made about how his hair managed to stop the meteorite from crashing into the Earth). No, the doctor I'm referring to is BBC's The Doctor from the cult TV-Show, Doctor Who.

Ever since the reboot of the series in 2005, there has been a Christmas episode every year. Now even though the stories are different, the gist of each of the specials is that something dastardly happens on or near Christmas day, and who else should come to save the day, but The Doctor.

Clearly, there was supposed to be a giant ball of rock hurtling through space which would have collided with our planet and killed us all, or perhaps there was supposed to be some invisble flesh eating organism that would have eaten us all. Heck, as the little girl in the El Paso ad says, ¿por qué no los dos? *fanfare music*. But obviously, the real hero is The Doctor, who came in and with the help of his sonic screwdriver as well has his blue box that is bigger on the inside (once again, size does matter) and saved the day!

So what's the moral of the story? Stop eating apples because keeping The Doctor away is a bad idea. Unless your idea is to kill us all, then by all means go ahead.

Oh, and one other thing. If I die a suspicious death, then it totally was not because of the benevolent, most awesome girl called Alyssa *looks around worridly before flashing a fearful smile*

Why the world did not end: Reason Five

In light of the fact that almost everyone made it through the 21st of December without dying, I would like to list the top five reasons why the apocalypse failed to happen, starting with number five and working my way up to numbner one.

Reason Five: Size Does Matter!

We always say how it doesn't matter if the stone is big or small. But the truth is, girls really do care about the size of it and us guys like to think that ours is the biggest.

That's probably what happened with the Mayan calendar. When the calendar maker showed his stone to a girl and asked, "Is it big?" the girl probably was being polite when she said, "That's the biggest one I've ever seen." Even though she was secretly disappointed by how small it was. Extremely pleased by what he heard, the calendar maker got busy with his stone.

When he was finished, the calendar maker was worried about how everything was, seeing as there was only so much he could do with the stone. He asked the girl, "How is it?"

Disappointed by how little he actually managed to do with the stone, the girl was still too polite to tell the calendar maker his stone was too small. Instead she said, "It's all good. That has to be the best one ever!"

Over the moon, the calendar maker decided to keep his stone the way it was, even though there was only so much going on with it.

Moral of the story? There was only so many dates that the calendar maker could fit on his piece of stone before he ran out of room. So the point is, size does matter!

And you probably have a dirty mind too...

Wednesday, 5th December, 2012

Hello, here's what's been happening in the news today.

Source: en.wikipedia.org

Today, students from Hunter Christian School at Mayfield, located in NSW's Central Coast, were forced to evacuate school grounds after a year five student brought in a World War II pineapple grenade for show and tell.

The child must have been thinking, "What can I bring in that would blow the competition away...Oh, I know!"

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Spirce: en.wikipedia.org

 

After a decline from around 2000 to 1200 in applicants this year, the Australian Antarctic Division has extended its hiring period for the 2013-14 season.

 

I guess one of the good things about global warming is that soon, the Australian Antarctic Division won't have to worry about the shortage of applicants.

 

 

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Photograph: Robyn Beck

 

Greyhound trainers in NSW are taking industrial action against TAB, over a dispute about the share of betting money that they are receiving from the betting agency.

 

Should the industrial action fail, well, to quote Mr Burns from the Simpsons,

http://springfieldfiles.com/sounds/burns/hounds.mp3

 

 

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And that's the news for tonight! See you all next time!